finally getting it...

i dont write in the often, but tonight i felt compelled ... today brought a lot into perspective to me.

i’ll be honest, and sound horrible when i do so, that i never really GOT September 11^th.  please though, as you read that and think that i am heartless, understand that i was only 13 years of age on that tragic day and on an opposite coast with absolutely zero connections to new york, pennsylvania or the pentagon.

i was a thirteen year old and just did not understand the magnitude.  i did not get it.  i understood there was an attack, i understood that the buildings collapsed and i understood that the country was in anguish.  i understood the very basics.  and i also was very much aware that i lived a very jaded, sheltered life; lucky enough to have not truly experience tragedy, heartache or disaster.

and now, with ten years of life’s experiences behind me, i can honestly say now i GET it.  i’ll again be honest and admit that it was a CBS documentary that quite literally opened my eyes.  it opened my eyes to what our service people do and it opened my eyes to how quickly a life can change.  it opened my eyes to how jaded my life has still been, and it opened my eyes to how grateful i need to be for my life as i have it.

all in all, i came down to a couple obvious conclusions…

there are two words that are not said enough: “Thank You” to our firefighters and policemen.  they quite literally put their own lives in danger on any given day to do their best to keep us safe.  i have always understood that firefighters fight fires and i have been ever so grateful to them for doing just that.  but i did not understand that that was only one of their duties, or i guess i should say, a smaller part of their greater duty.  their job is to put themselves in danger’s way to protect us.  and that is something i did not completely comprehend until today.  even those though two words are small, i think that hearing them on what seems to be an ordinary day can just remind them that we know, that we understand what they are doing for us.

and three more words not said enough: “I love you” to my family and friends.  while i am lucky enough to have friends scattered all over the country, i know i never tell them enough how much they mean to me.  i’m lucky enough to have an amazing family and the support they offer is unreal.  but today made me think that there could be a day that all of these wonderful people could be ripped away from me, or i them, and i would want them all to just know that they are a part of me someway, somehow.  it’s insane to me how much i love my family and best of friends and i would just want them to know.

i'm proud to be an American.  i’m proud to live in a country that has such heroic people stand for it.  i’m proud that i cherish my family and friends in a way that i don’t think many do.  and i’m proud to be able to say that i will never forget…

love me some chicken fried.

what is it about live country music that brings everyone back to their college drinking days?  don't get me wrong. i am all about a good reason to get a little crazy, but i don't understand the correlation.

last night's festivities at zac brown band were no exception.  a three hour tailgate complete with bubble vodka shots turned the actual concert a bit hazy... but i did meet a boy that my drunken mind told me was darn near perfect.  cuddled into his arms for a majority of the night and country music playing in the background ... uh, hello! that is my idea of a successful night. haha.

the best part is that i was able to walk away from it and have the mentality "making out is like a drunken hello" ... yup, i was right back into that college state of  mind!  just like everyone else...  the lyrics from "as she's walking away" did feel fitting for the end of the night though... he has my number. ball is in his court. that's how i play. :)

peace. love. & country music.

relighting an old flame.

its name is Blogger. ... it has definitely been a minute since i've poured a part of life into cyber space.  and why one might ask?  well to be honest, my life is in one word: mellow.  compared to the non-stop life i led during some amazing days when i lived in arizona, my life has come to a literal screeching halt.  but for all the best reasons... a wise twenty three year old might say.

not only is my LIFE somewhat uneventful but, i also don't have interests. ... er, that came out wrong. i do have interests.  just not the provoking kinds that other people would be genuinely interested in or the ones that many of my other creative-minded friends have found such a compelling way of critiquing.

i do magically find my time wasted by surfing wedding blogs, attending countless Padres games with the genuine hope of catching a player's (a.k.a. my future husband's) eye, watching hours of shows on TLC & HGTV, and working for free-ninety-nine at my dad's winery...

and WHY am i posting to a blog at 11:30pm on a Saturday night while just about everyone else in my generation is making careless choices and creating memories they won't remember tomorrow? not because i am righteous or strong-willed... not at all. actually, when it comes to a Saturday night, those are two things i am not. :) the honest truth is that i am "working".  my "work" this evening consists of babysitting one of the many venues i work for to ensure the event does not cause a riot ... literally.  therefore i am bored.  and a bored raquel means a lot of rambling...

but i'll end my ramble here. expect more to come now that i have unlocked another detour to being productive. :)

time to rethink things.

stop the presses.  twenty ten has come to a screeching halt.

the first month and a half were just amazingly fun.  but i feel like after having a small dose of what my real job has become and a dose of life back in arizona, coming back to it all has become a little bit lack luster.

i expected too much, too fast.  yes, life is good.  but i expected more to come out of certain situations and instead i have fallen into the same pattern i have come to know all to well.

the only answer: endorphins. =)

tomorrow i am making a visit to my old life.

i am excited as much as i am nervous.

and i am already homesick for san diego.

glad to know i made the right choice. =)

tomorrow marks six months of being back in san diego.  six months of being back home.  six months of living with my parents.  six months of "saving" money.  six months of, for the most part, not being too happy.

and now on the very eve of the this anniversary, i am more confused than ever.  for a while i was content with my decision and making the most of it, but in all of the hustle and bustle of the last week, i have fallen back to the feelings of the fall and questioning a lot of the decisions i have made.

i want more than ever just a sign to know that things are going to work out. just a sign that this will all be worth it in the end.  a sign that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  i thought i found it all and it all has come to a screeching halt when i realized the only reason i was happy is because it was so much like the life i led in arizona.  and as much as i loved that lifestyle, i know i can not back track into that.

i feel like i am an awkward stage of my life... like the pre-teen years; where you don't know exactly where you fit in. now it's more like the pre-adult-post-grad years.

there are so many constant reminders about how things are not going as planned. whether it be my own father asking me if i am still going to the gym because no one will want to marry a fat girl or his friends asking me how my job right now relates to my degree or why i am home all the time.  i really don't need the constant reminders; i beat myself up over it enough, thank you very much.

drama isn't always a bad thing...

people who say they don't like drama are straight up liars.  having things go not necessarily right on track is what makes life exciting.  curve balls make the game worth watching.  something out of the ordinary creates a stir in the normal scheme of things.  it's the highs and lows that make life worth living.

sometimes i like to make things that aren't the biggest deal into something more just because my life can get somewhat boring.  i need something to wrap my head around, even if it's nothing that's real; i love thinking about the what ifs.  even though i see some of my friends thinking i'm crazy, i really just can't help it.  i'm so looking to the future that i jump right to that in every situation.

living in the present was something i wanted to focus on this year.  instead of dwelling on the past or being anxious for the future, i need to start living life day by day and swinging at those curve balls when they come at me.

i love excitement. but i need to not get ahead of myself.

peace&&love.