tomorrow marks six months of being back in san diego.  six months of being back home.  six months of living with my parents.  six months of "saving" money.  six months of, for the most part, not being too happy.

and now on the very eve of the this anniversary, i am more confused than ever.  for a while i was content with my decision and making the most of it, but in all of the hustle and bustle of the last week, i have fallen back to the feelings of the fall and questioning a lot of the decisions i have made.

i want more than ever just a sign to know that things are going to work out. just a sign that this will all be worth it in the end.  a sign that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  i thought i found it all and it all has come to a screeching halt when i realized the only reason i was happy is because it was so much like the life i led in arizona.  and as much as i loved that lifestyle, i know i can not back track into that.

i feel like i am an awkward stage of my life... like the pre-teen years; where you don't know exactly where you fit in. now it's more like the pre-adult-post-grad years.

there are so many constant reminders about how things are not going as planned. whether it be my own father asking me if i am still going to the gym because no one will want to marry a fat girl or his friends asking me how my job right now relates to my degree or why i am home all the time.  i really don't need the constant reminders; i beat myself up over it enough, thank you very much.

drama isn't always a bad thing...

people who say they don't like drama are straight up liars.  having things go not necessarily right on track is what makes life exciting.  curve balls make the game worth watching.  something out of the ordinary creates a stir in the normal scheme of things.  it's the highs and lows that make life worth living.

sometimes i like to make things that aren't the biggest deal into something more just because my life can get somewhat boring.  i need something to wrap my head around, even if it's nothing that's real; i love thinking about the what ifs.  even though i see some of my friends thinking i'm crazy, i really just can't help it.  i'm so looking to the future that i jump right to that in every situation.

living in the present was something i wanted to focus on this year.  instead of dwelling on the past or being anxious for the future, i need to start living life day by day and swinging at those curve balls when they come at me.

i love excitement. but i need to not get ahead of myself.

peace&&love.

Fate.

Things I like: feeling well known and the unexpected actually happening.

Working in industry has slowly become my saving grace in moving back to San Diego. Mainly because the people I work with now are friends with the people I worked with here years ago. And when I go out with the new work crew, I see the old work crew. I like that feeling that people remember me enough after 2+ years to stop in a Denny's at 2am after spying me through the window to say hi and reconnect. And even more when a bestie gets excited about it too! =)

Things happen for reason. Keep that in mind.

a girl can dream.

being a grown up is tough... the sad part is that i am not even a real grown up and i am stressing about it.

i want nothing more than to have an amazing job that can let me afford the life that i dream of living.  i want to be able to come home to something that is mine and have to work for it.  i want to be able to live comfortably and not have to depend on my parents anymore.

and i hate even more that people my age can do it.  and i can't.

lazy days.

I can't figure out if my day of laziness is due to 1- being sick, 2- a hangover or 3- gross weather. You would think I would be able to figure out the difference. But my recent weakness to hangovers has made question the affects of three drinks in a night.

But regardless, it was worth it. After my 22 hour day full of emotional highs and lows, a day of laying low is exactly what I needed.

twenty-twooo

Sometimes I feel like there are certain things I should not do now because I am not in college anymore and should therefore be a "grown up". But I am only 22 years old. Most people my age still have YEARS left in college, so why is that just because I started school younger that I should have to grow up faster?

Why do I feel guilty for being 22 and partying in college bars? I mean it is with people who are my age AND they are in college still, so I think that counts. And why do I feel like I'm not allowed to have a meaningless relationship? Where is it written that I have to settle down any time soon? And what is it that makes me think that every guy I get involved with has to have the makings of "the one"? I'm still young; I'm still going to make mistakes and have a blast while figuring it all out.

Another new year goal: stop making everything so serious. I am still so young and I have a lot of growing up to do; might as well have fun while doing it. =)

I'm not saying I'm going to go back to my college lifestyle of going out every night. But I am going to stop beating myself up over living at home and working in a restaurant. At least I have a fun job with fun people and great parents who are okay with letting me take a little bit longer to find myself.

I'm gonna be amazing; just you wait and see.

i'm your biggest fan.

simply stated, social media is taking over society.  and as immersed in it as i obviously am, i sometimes stop and wonder a few things.

like, are people's lives really as good as they make it sound? or bad for that matter? sometimes i think people are starving for attention and therefore want to portray their lives as "perfection" as if others will really be jealous or on the other end, focus on a negative for the pity points.

and when do you allow yourself to be friends or fellow followers? on facebook in particular, i only allow people i actually know in a real physical sense to be my friend.  but at what point in the what i call "real life" relationship are you allowed to push that "add as friend" button?  does it come off as stalker if you go out in pursuit of the person only to make the cyber world know of your connection?

don't get me wrong, i love it all just as much as any other generation y kiddo.  i'm just wondering when "social media etiquette" will become as instilled as table manners.

are you there, vodka?

i'm reading chelsea handler's book right now.  and i can honestly say that i have never laughed more while reading.  i read just about half without even realizing the time that had passed.

it gave me new hope; she started out as a business typhoon/babysitter too.  maybe i have a late night talk show in my future as well. lol. ...even though that is the only similarity i have yet to find, other than the obvious appreciation for vodka. ha.

blast from the past.

found my old blogs from high school and my first two years of college.

funny how my closest friendships have changed so much.  made me kind of sad to be quite honest.  but even funnier how i knew even then who i was supposed to be friends with.  i regret not putting enough effort into those friendships i cherish SO much now; luckily fate played out perfectly.  if it weren't for the girls i literally said "i was destined to be friends with", i don't think i could handle being back in SD today. proof even more God has a great plan.

and i loved even more reading everything i was going through. i think coming back to SD was inevitable... pretty sure i was homesick about 75% of the time i was in arizona.

my favorite though was a post saying that i wanted "a whole new world" from aladdin to play at my wedding.  obviously haven't changed too much, because i still think that would be pretty awesome.

college life.

high school days + freshie year.

i want to make sure i always know where these memoirs are; i can't imagine how much fun it will be to read them years from now.

new year, new goals.

i hate that with the beginning of the new year there is so much pressure to resolve to do things differently. and i hate even more that if you don't write these things down it's harder to make them into a reality. so here we go... i'm not calling them resolutions because it's nothing new, just things to focus on. on 12.31.10, i want to look back and be as proud as i was this year. i mean this past year, and decade for that matter, was full of milestones in my life. although i see 2010 as being less momentous, i want to make the year worth it.

1 - save money... $500 or more per month to be exact. i mean seriously, i live at home therefore it's like paying myself mini rent which will end up paying off big time in 2011.

2 - get a new wardrobe... not because i am shallow or narcissistic, but because cute clothes actually make me feel better about myself. and not to mention, i need my appearance to mature with me... done with college, out with its wardrobe.

3 - get skinny... haha. mainly so the said wardrobe looks cute. =P

4 - be healthy... meaning go to the gym, be active, watch what i am putting into my body and cut back on drinking.

5 - act positively... in my own life and hope to influence the people around me in a positive way. this past year was the happiest i can remember, i want that feeling to stick around.

blame it.

i am really bad in awkward situations.

especially when one particular situation is awkward in about 12 different ways.

you're kinda fun.

Having no expecations and ignoring the pressure of doing the new years celebration turned out to be quite fabulous.

A very chill night followed by a rambuctious day could be my new favorite way to do it. A bar was not only open at 6am, but packed and in full party mode was more fun than any new years eve has been.

The day was complete with strange men buying us shots at 8am, dancing to what seemed to be a legit dj, my best saving me from a walk of shame, a short beach excursion and a full day of football.

It only proved even more. It's really not what what you're doing or where you are partying; the people that surround you make the memories.

hello 2010.

just about an hour ago, a new year began.

and even though i am sitting alone in my childhood room at the moment, i am content with where i am in life, given the circumstances. although i would love to not be sitting at home, and if i were to be, i would like it to be my own home with the love of my life, but that's not the way the cards played out.

i think only so much good can happen in a year. and 2009 was more than amazing for me. my family grew in two amazing ways: my sister married an amazing man and introduced us to his family and my brother and his wife brought a new life into the world. and on my own list of accomplishments, i graduated and i finally made the move back to san diego. i have been blessed with amazing friends that have proven themselves to be everything true friends are defined to be. oh, and i got a new car!!

and lucky for me, nothing too tragic happened to me in 2009. everything that i thought was the end of my existence made me grow in more ways i could ever imagine. i had my moments of tears, moments of questioning all the decisions i made, moments of disbelief and moments of being let down. overall though, those moments turned around to be moments of self realization.

now i'm starting 2010 on the right foot. i do not want to make expectations for the year and get myself excited for all the possibilities of what could unfold. God has a plan for me, and so far i am happy with the way things have turned out... so i think it's best to continue in that fashion. if i stay as happy as i am now throughout the rest of the year, that is enough for me.

i honestly think that new years eve and resolutions are all together some of the silliest traditions ever, but regardless one of my new years resolutions is to celebrate new years eve 2011 like a normal person, i.e. get out of restaurants. after the past two years of barely making midnight with my friends, i would want nothing more than enjoying the entire night of festivities on the town.

i foresee a lot of changes in my life in the coming year. i plan to embrace it completely.

good bye 2009; hello 2010!!!